im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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