Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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