hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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