"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
