meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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