Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize