my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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