I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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