I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
