Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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