Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
