I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
