I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
