I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
