Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
