Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
