i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
