i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
