im calling her cock vulture from now on
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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