I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
