Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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