I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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