I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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