no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize