Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Also, beer. Big fan.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
