apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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