I wish I could punch you in the face.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
