I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You smell like stripper and shame
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
