I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
