He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
