I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
