I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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