somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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