Need sex. Gaining weight.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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