I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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