Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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