Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize