Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize