she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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