i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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