the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
