How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I need to sanitize my soul.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
