we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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