My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
if i died would you start the facebook group?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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