the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
