just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just threw up on my dentist
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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