I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
