Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
