I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
