if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
