Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Boobs are out for the taking
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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