You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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