Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
