all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
