Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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