NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize