Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
