my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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