I am in a vortex of obligation.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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