i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
