hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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