He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
