I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
