Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
