I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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