How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
