Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
