Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
