R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
